My Best Friend
“God is a friend Who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)
I used to live in tormenting fear of losing friends and people walking out of my life like a revolving door. I’m sure it has a lot to do with abandonment and attachment issues from my childhood. Growing up I wondered why my biological father would choose a life in the streets and prison over a life with me. I realize now that not only was he not ready to be a father (Just because someone can create or birth a child doesn’t make them a parent.), and he was bound in a life of drugs, pain and destruction. I also struggled a lot with feeling like I didn’t belong, and I was always reminded of how “different” I was. Funny enough I don’t really care for that word anymore. (I am unique and equal just like everyone else.) I didn’t fit in with most churches and I didn’t fit in the world or entertainment industry either. I would later discover the truth that I’ve been unpacking for some time now- I fit perfectly in the Heart of God. There is more than enough room for every person and all of creation to comfortably fit here. The love and life of God are my Home. That is where I belong.
Over the past few years a couple very close friendships ended abruptly, and I felt my heart breaking all over again. As I started really diving into my inner healing late last year, I came to understand that my heart was broken long before those friendships ended. I found the walls in my soul rising back up, and isolation looking very attractive. Also I often struggled with internalizing and dismissing my feelings. After-all I had to keep living, right?
Through my recent spiritual awakening, I’ve found myself not taking things and people so personally or so seriously anymore. I am not so concerned about people learning all they can from me and moving on, or how long they will stay in my life. I try to just enjoy the moment and enjoy them while they are here. I don’t assume that everyone has an agenda. I cannot predict the future, and I no longer have the space in my heart to worry myself sick. Since I live my life poured out anyway, I do not mind people receiving from me and “gleaning” from my life and then continuing on their journey. God will take care of my life. God will always provide for me and be here for me. God will always stay with me. I cannot look for people to fill me up anyway or be something for me that only Jesus can. I have released them from my expectations and am learning to accept them as they are. Of course I use common sense and good wisdom and set healthy boundaries for my peace of mind and rest, but I’m no longer holding on to people and things so tightly anymore. I feel like I can finally breathe. My lungs are no longer tight.
My friendship and relationship with God has soared to breathtaking heights where I feel like I can tell God and talk to God about anything and everything. I can feel, hear and see what God does and I can feel God living life with me and in me too. Where I feel so safe and so protected. God is closer than the air I breathe. I am able to give freely and live freely without expecting anything in return from anybody. My heart understands that I will always have more than enough. Since I am living from the overflow, I will never run out. Abundance is all around and pouring from within. And interestingly enough, my relationships are so much richer and more relaxed. I enjoy my time and interactions with people so much more now that fear, guilt and insecurities are not clouding my thinking and distorting my belief system. I’m no longer consumed with wondering about what people think of me and how they feel about me or how long they will be in my life. I am present and resting in today. God is my absolute best friend in the entire universe; I am content and at peace.